FARANDULANOTICIAS

Early Mornings, Boogie Nights: I Tried Mark Wahlberg’s Famed 2:30 A.M. Workout Schedule


Like most of us during these *somber narrator in a Doritos commercial voice* unprecedented times, I’ve immersed myself in a slew of unorthodox hobbies to help maintain a sliver of sanity, which have included actively choosing to purchase Criss “Mindfreak” Angel’s Professional Magic Kit, a lock pick set, and auditing a Yale class designed to increase happiness.

These purchases, which could easily be labeled as a “midlife crisis starter pack,” elicited concerned text messages from friends and family ranging from “Everything okay, bud?” to “You’re like a week away from getting really into Ouija boards.” I still maintain that, separately, these transactions were normal, but collectively exuded a real “loud guy at the car wash who knows what really happened to Princess Diana” vibe. I bring this up not to subtly point out that I’m basically an Ivy League graduate, but to illustrate that I was in dire need of a challenge. A calling. A destiny.

Enter Mark Wahlberg and his famed workout schedule.

Mark Wahlberg, the two-time Academy Award nominated actor known for his work in Boogie Nights, The Departed, and portraying the character who fingered Nicole Walker on a roller coaster while accompanied by The Sundays’ soul-stirring rendition of “Wild Horses” in the 1996 psychological thriller Fear, maintains a rigid schedule in order to keep a sound mind and rockin’ body.

This isn’t necessarily new information. If you’re a fitness enthusiast or someone who routinely wonders which peanut is the best peanut, you’re familiar with Men’s Health, a popular monthly magazine that features shirtless men on the cover along with short, inspirational commands like “Get Back In Shape!,” “Lose Your Gut!,” or “Maintain Your Erection, Ya Silly Goose!” Back in 2018, the “if Monster Energy were a magazine” periodical published a story about Mark Wahlberg’s insane workout schedule, which famously begins at 2:30 a.m. as he prepares for his 4:00 a.m. workout (referred to online as the “4 a.m. club”)

Mark Wahlberg's schedule
Photo: Instagram/Dillen Phelps

Despite a lifelong adversarial relationship with insomnia and a deep aversion to anything that happens before 10:00 a.m., I decided to follow Mark’s rigorous workout schedule from Monday, March 1 to Thursday, March 4. Why? We’ve been in a pandemic for over a year. A few months ago I exchanged actual U.S. currency for a magic kit. So, you know, why the hell not? Nowhere to go but up.

For reference, I generally workout between 3-4 times a week, have a medium build, and would describe myself as “not hot enough to be cast as an extra on a CW series.” I knew two-a-day workouts would be difficult, but the 2:30 a.m wake-up is what caused the most trepidation. In need of guidance, I texted the only person I know who enjoys waking up before 5:00 in the morning: my dad. No matter how old you are, a father’s unwavering support will help you accomplish even the most daunting of tasks.

Mark Wahlberg posing and a heartfelt text between father and son
Photo: Instagram/Dillen Phelps

With my father’s palpable love for his son coursing through my veins, I listened to Will Smith’s “Just the Two of Us” a couple dozen times and prepared to embark upon a daring feat of physical and mental complexity only attempted by fitness savants and late-night talk show host James Corden.

Day 1:

CONTENIDOS DE LA PAGINA

Henry: How’d ya do it, Spense? How’d ya solve the murder?
Spenser: I’m sorry, Henry. That information is… (puts on sunglasses, hops into his new cherry red convertible, and repeatedly revs the engine) confidential.
Spenser winks at the camera as if to say, “I’ll see you knuckleheads in Spenser Confidential 2.

— The ending to Spenser Confidential (probably)

I’m an idiot. That was my first thought as my alarm went off at 2:30 a.m. Waking up, but more importantly staying up, at 2:30 a.m. is a discombobulating mix of confusion and regret, kinda like running into an old teacher while going to see an R-rated movie. I reflexively hit snooze four times before tumbling outta bed and stumbling to the kitchen to pour myself a cup of ambition (Dolly Parton-style) at 3:10 a.m.

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Mark’s diet has been discussed in a variety of places, but my plan was to implement a plant-based diet heavy on fruit, vegetables, Beyond Burgers (Wahlburgers doesn’t deliver to my area), protein shakes, oatmeal, sorrow, and a truly staggering amount of red peppers because they’re nutritious and I accidentally doubled my order on Instacart. In keeping with the time-honored tradition of plant-based diets, I shoehorned the fact that I was now “plant-based” into into every single conversation I had throughout the week. Nobody cared and I sincerely hated myself for doing it, but rallying against the inexorable nature of life is a futile endeavor.

In order to prove I wasn’t a pretty little (but soon to be jacked) liar, I documented my early-morning escapades on Instagram. Here I am looking very good and sounding like a sane, normal person.

Now, if you’ve been following the news, you might be familiar with the ongoing global pandemic that’s been covered in The New York Times, USA Today, and Gal Gadot’s Instagram page. The pandemic added an additional challenge: How do I stay motivated while working out in my tiny Astoria, New York, apartment, the place I’ve spent pretty much every single excruciating minute of my life over the past year? The answer? Music, baby!

According to science, strangers at the gym who don’t understand volume control, and the Rocky franchise, music is motivational. So I cobbled together a Spotify playlist that included Mark Wahlberg-adjacent tunes and Adele songs, because when I googled “What music does Mark Wahlberg like?” Adele popped up, proving once again that celebrities truly are just like us.

A Mark Wahlberg playlist
Photo: Spotify

I know what you’re thinking: Wait, has Mark Wahlberg ever heard the Limp Bizkit song “My Way”? I had the exact same question, reader.

Mark never got back to me. Oh, Mandy Moore’s “Candy” doesn’t have any significance to Mark’s career; it’s just a terrific song that deserves to be on any and all playlists. More on the nuts and bolts of the diet as we continue the inspirational journey of one man who decided to wake up a few hours earlier than usual for four days.

Day 2:

Joaquin Phoenix: I own the night
Eva Mendes: No, I own the night.
Mark Wahlberg: Guys, guys, guys. No. We own the night

— A pivotal scene from We Own the Night (probably)

I couldn’t quite make Mark’s prescribed bedtime of 7:30 p.m. I’ve dealt with insomnia since middle school, so despite being completely wrecked from my two workouts and early morning start time, I only managed to get to bed at 9:15 p.m. and fall asleep around 10:00-ish. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel especially groggy when I greeted Day 2 at 3:10 a.m. During Mark’s appearance on The Late Late Show with James Corden, he noted how he “laid in bed until 3:05 a.m.,” so I didn’t feel too bad about “sleeping in.”

Before I started my first workout of the day, I decided to implement the most important thing I learned during Day 1: If you’re posting an early-morning video, always wear glasses to conceal the revolting bags emerging beneath your eyes.

Let’s talk about the giant water bottle in the room, shall we? A few months ago, I was reading Maggie Coughlan and Kase Wickman’s essential “Shop Your Feelings” newsletter when they highlighted a fun new water bottle. Around the same time, my girlfriend and I were discussing the importance of proper hydration (the silence between Bob’s Burgers episodes can be deafening), so I decided to surprise her with a new water bottle — because if I know women, the key to their hearts lies in efficient hydration practices.

Since I’m a stone-cold dunce, I purchased the water bottle without checking the specs, a rookie move in the high-stakes world of drinking water. Here I am posing with this ungainly behemoth while wearing a vintage New Jersey Nets jersey of two-time NBA Finals participant Kerry Kittles.

Was I adequately hydrated? Sure. Did my 24/7 headaches dissipate? Absolutely. But at what cost, dear reader? At. What. Cost? This colossal crime against spatial awareness is uncomfortable to carry, doesn’t fit in my refrigerator, and, I’m not 100% sure about this, but I think if I were to ever take it on an airplane I’d be forced to purchase another seat. I will, however, begrudgingly give props to this aquatic monstrosity for gamifying the mundane task of drinking water. Each day I vowed to finish every lousy ounce of water in this haunted contraption of liquid wickedness, or drown internally trying.

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Water bottle tomfoolery aside, it was time to get down to business. Mark Wahlberg’s diligent fitness regimen is how he (probably) earned the titular role of “the fighter” in the 2010 film The Fighter, a movie about fighting. Since COVID was like, “You can totally go to the gym, bud! The only downside is you might die,” I decided to work out in my apartment. My plan was to do 1,000 pushups, 1,000 crunches, and 1,000 total reps with my 20 pound weights in four days, while also taking four cardio classes and doing ten total minutes of planks and 100 total chin-ups.

You may be thinking, that’s it? But here’s what I underestimated about my crackerjack attempt to transform myself from Pat into Hans and/or Franz: I still had to write for Decider. Articles about trying to get The Rock to watch the hit USA legal thriller Suits and attempting to covert the iconic rom-com The Cutting Edge from rotten to fresh on Rotten Tomatoes take a special je ne sais quoi to produce. Also, my editors said I couldn’t take a week off to lift weights and eat snacks. I wanted to respond that the last six words of the Pledge of Allegiance are “with liberty and justice for all,” but I’m admittedly on the thinnest of ice around here so I decided to heroically show up for work.

I had to adapt Mark’s schedule to fit the life of me, an award-winning journalist* with a penchant for shoehorning Carly Rae Jepsen references into as many articles as possible, relevance or fit be damned. Instead of playing golf, I played Tiger Woods PGA Tour on my recently rediscovered PlayStation 2. Instead of following Mark’s 2:45-3:15 a.m. prayer time, I checked basketball scores and questioned each and every life decision that led me to writing this article. But there were still two parts of Mark’s schedule I couldn’t quite crack: his 9:30 a.m. cryo chamber recovery and picking up his kids from school at 3:00 p.m.

I’m not quite sure how to skillfully transition to Day 3, so here’s a collage of photos from the Transformers franchise, a series of films about robots in disguise and Mark Wahlberg running to and from various locations.

collage of Mark Wahlberg running from transformers
Photos: Everett Collection ; Illustration: Dillen Phelps

Day 3:

Denzel Washington: I got a gun.
Mark Wahlberg: I got a gun.
James Marsden: That was today?! I left my gun on my houseboat.

— The beginning of the 2013 action thriller 2 Guns (probably) 

I woke up at 3:30 a.m. I’m slipping. Normally, I’m awake for about 16-17 hours a day and I’m mentally alert for about fifteen good minutes, which generally happens around noon. Fun fact about being an adult: everything that happens after lunch is pointless. I’m in my thirties, which means that I’m perpetually tired and always have a hint of a headache. But to my surprise, despite being awake for an additional three to four hours a day, I don’t feel any more fatigued than usual. I actually feel… dare I say… not terrible.

You heard it here first: with exercise, steady hydration, and a proper diet, you too can feel almost average!

According to Mark’s schedule, he picks up his kids at 3:00 p.m. I’m assuming he does this because he’s a good dad and/or doing researching for Daddy’s Home 3: Daddy Dearest. Since I don’t have any children, I originally planned on picking up one of my friend’s kids from school. But plans changed due to safety concerns and my friends not wanting to risk the health of their child for this “silly article” — even though I told them that this “silly article” would be published on a little place called the internet. Fine. Great. Grand. Would Mark Wahlberg’s character had done this to one of his many brothers in the feature film Four Brothers? I only saw a little bit of the movie on TNT, so I don’t know. But I highly doubt it.

Taking a photo near a school would have to suffice. Since a grown man taking a selfie near an institution of higher learning is… not a great look… I pretended I was taking a picture of an M&M’s truck that was conspicuously parked across the street. But then I was like, wait, why is there an M&M’s truck parked across the street?! I’m 90% certain the M&M’s don’t live on my block. I would have seen them at Walgreens. My faux feelings morphed into genuine curiosity so I snapped a pic of the truck.

School/M&M truck

Why do M&M’s always look DTF? Relax, guys. You’re candy.

This seems like a great time to remind everyone that I’m operating on like three hours of sleep. With only one day remaining, I set my sights on my most daunting obstacle: cryo chamber recovery.

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Day 4:

“Llooooooyd!”

— Ari Gold, Entourage

Ari Gold yelling
Photo: HBO

Mark Wahlberg believes in the restorative powers of cryo chamber recovery, a process that, if Google Images is to be believed, deals with placing your body inside a futuristic witch’s cauldron to reduce body inflammation.

After four days of double workouts, my bones were aching. I didn’t have access to a chamber, cryo or otherwise, so I decided to buy two bags of ice for a homemade ice bath. I was ready to submerge myself in some freezing cold ice (ice), baby, but before I could pull the trigger I was met with a few concerns. My girlfriend, sweetly, wanted to make sure I was “safe” and “didn’t die,” with her exact words being “you’re old now, so you need to be more careful.”

I did some investigating, which obviously means I went to Wikipedia, and learned that ice baths “can pose serious risks to health, including hypothermia, shock, and the possibility of sudden cardiac death.” That last one gave me pause. If I died, I wouldn’t get the security deposit back on my apartment. I emailed a number of doctors in the hopes of getting one of them to say, on the record, that I 100% wouldn’t die from submerging myself in an ice bath. Strangely enough, I couldn’t find a doctor who’d respond to my unsolicited inquiry about ice and Mark Wahlberg, so I asked my friend Micah, whose dad is an animal doctor, for help.

MW/text
Photo: Instagram/Dillen Phelps

Amir said it was safe for 1-3 minutes but that “cryo isn’t medically proven to help,” but “is good for the immune system.” Micah added that she saw an episode of Shark Tank that said you could do it for up to three minutes. I didn’t know what to believe. Do ice baths for sore muscles really work? Well, according to a 2012 Web MD article titled “Ice Baths for Sore Muscles Can Work,” yes. Yes, they can.

I decided to take the plunge! You can click through my Instagram post for the results. Or not. Live your life as you see fit.

First, yes, I’m well aware that I’m dressed like the weird loner at Coachella who really wants to have a meaningful conversation with you about hemp and the sonic splendor of “Call Me Maybe.” But I’ve found that a Cobra Kai bandana and Steve Nash jersey are an undefeated duo.

Secondly, ice baths work! I did two soaks (a one-minute and a two-minute) and my legs and biceps were feeling substantially better. After four days, I felt… surprisingly good, a stone’s throw away from, dare I say, vibrant. I originally planned on doing this for four days, but maybe, just maybe, I stumbled onto a new lifestyle.

Am I the newest member of the 4:00 a.m. club?

Epilogue:

Mark Wahlberg on SNL
NBC

Nope. I’m very much not the newest member of the 4:00 a.m. club.

Turns out it is substantially more difficult to get up at 3:00 a.m. if you don’t absolutely have to. The experience did, however, provide me with firsthand knowledge about enhancing my quality of life. I learned that eating breakfast, staying hydrated, exercising, and listening to music will improve my physical and mental well-being. You can read all about my research in my forthcoming book: “Duh: An Idiots Guide to Idiotic Idiocy.”

I’m going to cut myself some slack. Forgetting to drink water, getting a headache, and then being like, “Ugh, why do I always have a headache!?” is a relatable reminder that we’re all just silly dummies relentlessly pushing a door visibly labeled “pull.” Thanks to the Mark Wahlberg Experience (he should 100% adopt this title and launch a new lifestyle brand), I’ve made a number of small, incremental changes that have slightly improved my quality of life. I’ve started to wake up an hour earlier, I continue to maintain a decent workout schedule, and while I returned Andre the Giant’s water bottle to my girlfriend, I remind myself daily to stay hydrated. Instead of being tired 24/7, I’m tired 22/6. And that, my friends, is called progress. I feel like the end of American Pie 2 when the pie boys toast one another, except I’m all the pie boys.

Do I recommend that you try the Mark Wahlberg schedule? Surprisingly, I do! I don’t suggest waking up at 2:30 in the morning (ever), but following the routine made me realize that a little effort can make someone feel a whole lot better, which is the same lesson I learned while watching the roller coaster scene from Fear.

For more information on Mark Wahlberg, please visit your local library.

* Aspiring

Where to stream Fear

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